How quickly 'some butthole' has attempted to capitalize on the recent catastrophe in Japan, and penned a little email using an ostensibly Japanese name, yet mired it in enough diatribe typical of all the now-classic Nigerian email scam.
Greetings.
Greetings to you and your family in the name of God,in my search for a reliable and God fearing person and having gotten your contact through prayers and pains taking efforts via searching I made on the internet on my bed side. Presently, I'm in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for Oesophagi Cancer.
Though its a sad and long story but I will cut it short for your quick and easy understanding. I am Helen Ibeku (Mrs), widow to Late Mr. Edward Ibeku, former Defence attachee to Greece Embassy in Cote D'Ioire. My husband was murdered alonside our only son Elvis by those who are envious of his position in the same office.
Before his death he made a vow to use his wealth for the down trodden,orphanages and the less privileged in the society. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want an individual that will use this fund and provide succor to poor and indigent persons, orphanages, and widows and for the propagating peace.
I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner in which my late husband did not specify. I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.
What is required of you is your honesty, trust and sincerity. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose.
May God Almighty bless you.
Helen Ibeku (Mrs).
The usual methods are deployed here: the irresistibly-sad sob-story (you'd have to be a soul-less miser to dismiss it), the cleverly-disguised suggestion of a reward, then the final insinuation that you'd better act quickly, or you'll miss out. Like, as in a 'deal'. So, you're to trying to pass yourself off as a person in a critical need, who somehow has amassed a fortune, only available to me if I act mindlessly and quickly and send you some type of reward. And, oh--I've been picked...selected...chosen.
Wow, lucky me, yet we've all seen the results, anywhere from a foolish $50 MoneyGram to the upper limits of my stupidity (I've heard of widows losing over $5,000) down the virtual tubes should I 'feel you'.
We're not merciless mercenaries if we ignore these. We're obsessive if we try to hunt them down and expose them, much less charge them with the crimes they commit routinely. It's a modern crime of convenience, facilitated only by the internet--a modern phenomenon, and a timely dilemma.
These people already have your email address, and almost never read anyone's replies unless you've sent them their money, but I'd doubt any of them have the technology--yet--to program anything to toss out anything like I worded in my reply here:
My Dearest 'Helen',
Greetings to You in the Name of who you Came,
Please allow me some time I beg for you, to reply with one answer per line. There was so much content you have sended, I am pleading for your time to take to spare to address to this issues, once per a time only, thanks and pleasing.
you said:
"Greetings."
I say:
"Salutations."
You said:
"Greetings to you and your family in the name of God,in my search for a reliable and God fearing person and having gotten your contact through prayers and pains taking efforts via searching I made on the internet on my bed side. Presently, I'm in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for Oesophagi Cancer."
I say:
"I have been praying for you already, also in the name of your aforementioned God, but he is currently not allowing for my prayers (re: you this way) to reach even my own cave ceiling."
also,
"I myself am in a mortuary, where I am being held against my own will, clawing desperately for any way out of my own prison. If you have reverse GPS, and can help me, I assure, God will grant you mightily whatever you wish".
You Said:
"Though its a sad and long story but I will cut it short for your quick and easy understanding. I am Helen Ibeku (Mrs), widow to Late Mr. Edward Ibeku, former Defence attachee to Greece Embassy in Cote D'Ioire. My husband was murdered alonside our only son Elvis by those who are envious of his position in the same office. "
I say:
"That is indeed a very convolutedly long and depressingly sad story. Before I hang myself at having read it, I wish also to commend you and give you some consolation that Elvis will never truly leave the building. He will always be with us, until the very end (of Graceland)."
You Said:
"Before his death he made a vow to use his wealth for the down trodden,orphanages and the less privileged in the society. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want an individual that will use this fund and provide succor to poor and indigent persons, orphanages, and widows and for the propagating peace."
I Say:
"You have chosen rightly and well. God has also bestowed upon me untold masses of glory and goodness, heaping it upon a standard of personal (Gold-backed) real wealth that has already reached Area 51, I have heard in the catacombs. I do also often provide succor as you said, as everyone I know will tell you--I do truly suck, and I do so only to provide peace for all my indigent underlings". I am glad only that God also chose you to notice me, as nobody in Wal-mart ever has, no matter my trials and personal tribulations".
You Said:
"I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner in which my late husband did not specify. I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner."
I Say:
"Again, you have chosen rightly. You may call this number--it is my direct hotline to God--to ascertain the veracity of my assertions". Please dial (ferreals):
1-555-555-5555 (IMA-ASS-HOLE)
ferreals, please, to prosper.
You Said:
"What is required of you is your honesty, trust and sincerity. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose.
May God Almighty bless you.
Helen Ibeku (Mrs)."
I Say:
"God will, in his own time, bless you the same...please check your email inbox for information on your local 5 o'clock 'Free Crack Giveaway'...it is available for only five more seconds, and sponsored by one honorable (deceased) A. Misoshiti".
In parting, please hold my dearest and fondest regards to yourself, in keeping with most honorable tradtitional values...also, please take my kindest advice and refrain from visiting the brothel from which you contracted your terrible esophagal cancer, 'cause you can also get 'the AIDS' that way, and AIDS+Gingivitis is a death sentence for any and all conductings on Match.com.
SCREW YOU AND BUGGER OFF!
So, that's the way I handle that...and I saved a copy in a 'Word' file for the next idiot.
NEXT!
